diverge and divorce

the countdown timer reads '203' - a tricky number honestly. you don't have the courage to allow yourself to feel like you're nearing the end, yet you feel sufficiently enervated to know you're reaching the end. perhaps when im finally done with the big 2 (which is just next monday mind you), i'll buy myself something to celebrate.

(The Incredibles: "we just keep coming up new ways to celebrate mediocrity", i think on hindsight, this is highly applicable to The Organisation)

life these few months have been predictably nondescript, this is so even with the usual dates and attempts at preying on young and old things. oh actually, the short siesta in the form of Beijing Olympics 2008 was quite an enjoyable one. well as i was telling myself, this was probably only because this visit was uncharacterically china. with the only form of water having drunk there being Evian, and 3 butlers/maids being on call 24/7 at my disposal...well you get the picture.

i think i am officially losing it. with 9 months left to go in the green organisation (no, not the environmental kind of green and hardly), i dont even know how i ought to feel. i seek pleasure in the most meaningless of activities. like planning off days to clear my computer of trash (and there is a lot for that matter, goodness). i was almost excited with the thought of buy a bedside lamp. and a week ago i was flirting with the idea of buying drinking glasses. and goodness i have bought them. from Blue Canopy, paragon.

!

anyway, here's a warm hello to all the people who actually read my blog.
the last movement on my blog was probably when i added tim to my friend's list. this system of adding friends on livejournal is really complicated. thank god for facebook. facebook, in my opinion, has really set the standards for online social portals. im still not sure about the mutual friends feature, especially its unforgivingly revealing nature. i didnt actually plan to start my entry ranting on about facebook- but the fact that i have actually done that probably shows how important facebook has become in my life!

on other issues besides facebook, there are not much (much to my dismay).
life in the green organisation has been predictably nondescript. each day, as min hao aptly puts it is "as laborious as the last". you dont actually feel the difference between the days of the week. its only when fridays approach do you feel some semblance of life and joy. some sense of worth.

(continued)

why did we sell ourselves out on the first date? acted as though there wasnt any semblance of self-control and restrain in ourselves. delving the path that surely led to sex, and coming to regret it now (at least for me), in retrospect, it was quite silly wasnt it?


and with time, the past gets more comfortable. but that's not to say it gets better.

.2003

we were deciding between a japanese themed buffet lunch at then The Cafe at Grand Hyatt and a nondescript buffet lunch at the ritz. for some reason or another, perhaps thinking that a japanese lunch, buffet style would perverse the essence of the jap culture, we ended up choosing the latter. i think it was a meal gathering between mong, nick and myself. we were horribly dressed, ok maybe not mong and nicky but myself. i remembered donning boardshorts and a tee. quite gross, really. after lunch nicky was telling us about keyaki and its zen garden (no, there is not a strand of resemblance between this and the one at hwachong).


.2003 still,

1.countless sleepless nights with only caffeine to keep the soul still alive enough to struggle
2. dire negligence of schoolwork and deteriorating grades, still ...
3. laura's obsession with correct pronunciation. "PROject." not "proJECT".

these culminated in our PROject team landing a spot at the much-coveted grand finals. we decided at 28+++ for dinner, the dinner at ritz was a steal and thus decided to treat laura ng. that night, nicky got labelled a "cow" for muching too much "grass" - we secretly shared her sentiments i think. and this time, laura was the fashion faux pas. she came late and was wearing a blouse and long pants. hardly flattering, hardly feminine. but in the spirit of merrymaking and gossip (holy.), all was fine.


.2003 still!,

in keeping with my generous image, i scheduled a birthday treat for mong, nicky and nigel. nigel however couldnt make it!, and so i treated jon tham (a kinda in lieu concept-weird). this was after we watched Love Actually <33. (i think this marks the end of us and greenhouse for 2003)


.2004

before CNY we had the seafood buffet-we being tyl, nicky and myself. i cheaply used my dad's ritz vouchers to offset the 48+++ (now 48+++ is for daily non-seafood buffets. economics.) cant remember much about 2004. but i remembered yiyang and kwongee had drinks with us at chihuly lounge. always so fun. because of o levels i think we were awfully stressed and awfully ritz-starved.


.2006

nigel was the man at the polo finals and we celebrated his birthday there. we delighted him with a tennis racket. mong, who never fails to amaze and amuse us, was forced to eat 10 prawns. mission was accomplished with his stomach still intact. jon's birthday - i treated him to a martini i think and i managed to get lydia (assistant manager chihuly lounge who's no more there ) to get us a complimentary cake.


2007

the mutability of social circles results in the pronoun 'us' and 'we' to mean different things(?) in 2003,2004 and 2007. this year before nicky's and my enlistment we had a gathering between mostly PES Cs and Es pathetic sissy clerks and a combat medic. we valiantly discussed slacking techniques that were failproof-courtesy of scholars at the table. they thought i wouldnt survive tekong-but i did. Greenhouse had the juice bar which was a nice touch. post-enlistment/sending off cambridge whore: same pes C/E only group. except one whore had his pink IC because he was disrupted. in the world of clerks, the concept of monotony(of work) is always discussed in the most enthusiastic of spirits. in early october, in my most exciting life, i realised a Cosmo and iced passionfruit tea at chihuly lounge obviously causes chemical reactions since after that something wildly happened. eeks. and still trying to recover from that, im now planning Christmas/birthday dinners at ritz. AND COMMISSIONING TREATS <33.




And my point, if there was one ...

It's not the expensiveness at the ritz that causes all this memories to be born and now so preciously preserved. If it was so, it should have been at Raffles or Four Seasons (hmm four seasons. now...other memories). Everything i pass by the ritz my heart skips a beat. i find myself embarrassingly smiling everytime the car drives pasts the building with the octagonal windows. It could be the flawless service with the nicest waitresses (Serene/Wydia/Vincent), the ambience especially at night. I dont know, i dont want to pinpoint for fear of spoiling this dream i'm actually living.

there's always some reason to feel not good enough
and what's worse, is when
there's always sound reason to feel not good enough

and it's not the sadness, the emptiness that really unnerves.
the endlessness scares me the most. it's almost everything, yet nothing quite exactly like everything.

sometimes we think we have finally mustered enough courage to move on, or have probably debilitated ourselves enough to not continue dwelling in the past. so then, we plod ourselves along this apparently linear path of life. and after a period, we look back- only to realise we've not actually moved on, but have only been moving along. moving along the diameter of the circle.

and if you were given three options, a circle, a cycle and a spiral, which would you choose? i would take the spiral. but i might have been tricked into thinking a circle and a cycle were different things. to live in a spiral means each day would be slightly different from the previous one, yet each one is still an extension of another.dont ask me about 'downward spirals'-i've thought about that. to be connected in between, but not to be overly dependent on Days that have passed- yes i would prefer that very much.

i thank God no one has asked me about my previous post. because in 'a sorta fairytale', there are two half truths- one in the form of "sorta', and another in the form of a "fairytale". and it was a blessed moment we both shared, but i think the magic is already fading. and when it all gets washed off in a few more weeks to come, i'll just pick back up whenever i feel, if im able to.

with the lights out, it's less dangerous, here we are now.

it's been quite a while since i last felt like this

so wholly blessed. its amazing how a kiss on the cheek can be so fulfilling

Because of the concentrated product, only a small amount daily will do.


(taken from Clarins, applicable intangibly elsewhere)

anorexia is easier.
this requires so much discipline, especially when i consider all the shit that comes along the way.

i've a certain chemistry with failure

An identity crisis can only exist if you think there is a model which you can follow, and grow yourself into. Whats worse, when rephrased, is that it can only exist when you think what you ought to be.

so the next hurdle, to get over that

in the day it feels ok, i can tell myself it'll turn out fine, there are a bit of the expected doubts hovering somewhere in the back of the mind. but they do not cloud or surfeit. they are unsettling yes, but not to the point of causing discomfort


then at night i dont even have the strength left for self-pity. i hardly focus myself on a certain issue, but everything feels wrong.

i dont wanna sound too scientific, but i should think that there ought to be a trigger factor to D.
now that the fluctuations between the highs and the lows are getting more frequent, and the extent getting greater.
i should think there is cause for worry.

i think i had a dream from 0230am to 0415am
(i checked the cell on the table beside my bed)


it was crazy like magic
(so daring and adventurous, i wouldnt even dare dream of it)

let me smile 
because this is a sunday night and i wanna close the week well.
and even if im not feeling right i should know i dont have a warranty period tagged to me
or maybe if i had one, it already expired long ago.

i start to feel a bit of the impending doom and gloom, now that its september

a day as it passes
   a week as it culminates into
      a month as it numbs
         a year if you havent realised
            a lifetime as you die